An excerpt about the process of surrender from my book Becoming Starlight..

What exactly is the truth about God and just where do we fit into that “truth?” Philosophically speaking, what is truth? Is there a Divine Wisdom that can be experienced by mankind and, if yes, is it so incomprehensible that we can’t understand it, even at a basic level? 

These were the questions that filled my mind after my SDE.

Clinical and anecdotal research tells us that the Near Death Experience and the Shared Death Experience have far-reaching effects on those who are blessed to have been given these experiences. None of us who have been given this gift asked for it or did anything to warrant it -- the “why’s and how’s” remain a mystery still.

But going to “that place” and sensing the enormity of all that was given to me left me with a gaping hole in my Soul - one I needed to fill in order to function in my world. The journey from darkness to light, the “putting it all together” with an understanding that was granted through Grace, occurs within the very heart of hearts. This place is hidden, secreted away from the sufferings and imperfections of humanity - it’s where the mystics have long believed that God dwells within us, accessible only to Him and to our awakened selves. Divine wisdom and truth live there; once unlocked, they become the very light that illuminates our soul and saves our lives. In finding God and knowing His perfection for the first time, in finding our Soul hiding within God, we become that perfect expression, that “perfect thought of God” that brought us into being. We become who He formed us to be, created us to be--a magnificent extension of God Himself.   

Before my SDE, I lived in a contemplative night that had lasted for years; allowing no light to shine on my Spirit, I sank deeper and deeper into despair, a despair that I came to identify with and accept as a normal and natural way of being. The groaning of my heart filled my ears, drowning out everything else. I had forgotten all else. I had to get to the point of complete surrender, a total and utter emptying of myself to make room for a renewal of my Soul, and a true union with a God that I had never known. 

Surrender required something that I had never even considered: being still. Stillness had evaded me in recent years; my entire being had been consumed by constant thought, pain, and rage. I never once stopped long enough to take a full and cleansing breath. Whether I was terrified to breathe deeply and fully or just too engrossed in trying to control life with all its cruelties, I don’t know. 

There were so many instances where I would have been better served by letting go and listening to the voice inside of me. But I resisted, and no one could have told me that the inner voice I heard wasn’t just me or my “conscience.” I truly had no desire to listen. And I paid a very steep Spiritual price.  

The issue at hand was that I misunderstood “surrender.”  I sensed it would mean failure and defeat. But when I finally did surrender, I found it to be the exact opposite. With surrender came such a stillness--a quieting of my heart and soul that I didn’t know was possible. The unimaginable grief of the abyss that swallowed me up seemed to be taking my very life and I felt myself going willingly. There was no fight left in me. It was then I opened myself up to whatever God – the one that I had raged against -- had in store for me. I found that within stillness -- within surrender (which was diametrically opposed to failure) -- came a quieting of body and mind so stark and complete that I wasn’t even aware of who I was anymore. It was only then that I would (or could) experience “the peace that surpassed all understanding” and find my way again.

It was there that my Starlight night began to make sense. It took no less than a fall from Grace to uncloak the sweetness that was just waiting to engulf me and claim me in love.

This piece is taken from my book Becoming Starlight that you can read more about here.